Love letter to my bank

I've been trying for 2 days now to enroll in your new system and I only get system error messages.
As per the instruction on your website, I tried webchat, it's not working.
I tried calling and talking to a member representative, the call is not forwarded.
I tried getting to the branch personally, in the middle of a working day, and there's a long line of people in what I assume are situations similar to mine.

So far I have missed my loan payment, my VISA card payment and probably my rent payment too and I have no idea when I will be able to access my money again.
Please note the emphasis on MY money.

I would appreciate some kind of prompt solution.